Shadowing
Monday March 30, 2026
Do you find yourself asking:
- Why do I now have a shadow all the time?
- Why is my loved one with memory impairment always following me around?
Or do any of these scenarios sound familiar:
- I tell my loved one to do something and 15 seconds later he is following me to the bathroom.
- I feel like I can’t get even a moment’s peace without my wife following me everywhere.
- One caregiver shared that after her children grew up out of toddlerhood she didn’t expect to have an audience to pee, but every time she goes to the bathroom, her husband is right there just watching and waiting for her to be done.
- I have been with my loved one with memory impairment and then go into another room and within moments the one with memory impairment is in a panic that they have been left alone and can’t find their family member.
When caring for someone with memory impairment, you may hear these things on a regular basis. This behavior is called shadowing or clinging, which means the person with memory impairment becomes a shadow to their loved one, always clinging onto that person. The person with memory impairment may follow their loved one around, perhaps mimicking their actions or repeating the same questions and comments. Unfortunately for the caregiver, this can be very frustrating to have someone following them around all the time.
Why does shadowing happen?
We all want to feel and be competent even with memory impairment. We want to look like we know what we are supposed to be doing. Those with memory impairment may be unsure what they are supposed to do, and you, their caregiver, look like you know what to do. So, if the person with the memory impairment just follows and copies you, they think that they will probably get it right. They often may not recognize their environment, even if it is their own home, so they lean into you for safety and security. This shadowing behavior can help the person with memory impairment feel reassured and less alone or confused.
This explains the common anxiety those with memory impairment often feel. When their primary caregiver, their safe and secure person, is suddenly gone they begin to panic. They’re seeking out that familiar safe feeling.
What is the fix?
Well, this is the part where I would love to say – “do this…” – and it would work. Unfortunately, there is no magic pill or magic trick to stop this shadowing, but here are some things you can try:
- Give your loved one a meaningful task to do to keep them occupied for a bit – folding kitchen towels, matching socks, sorting coins, sorting nuts/bolts, doing a Word Search. Getting the person’s mind on something else to distract them is the key here.
- Get some help so you can take a break. Being someone’s safety all the time is exhausting. It is important to enlist some help so you can have a break. That could be a friend or family member coming over to give you a break, hiring a caregiver so you can get away at times or getting your loved one enrolled into an adult day program so you can have some time for yourself.
- Offer a small snack that the person can manage on their own. Again, this occupies their brain so you can step away for a minute.
- Provide reassurance – tell your loved one simple messages. “You are where you are supposed to be” or “You are safe.” Sometimes simple reassurance can help.
- Put on music their favorite music. Familiar music can provide distraction and feelings of comfort.
One of the main things is to remind yourself that your loved one is not shadowing/clinging just to make life difficult for you. Your loved one is having a difficult time making sense of the world and you are their primary peace.
Written by Page Robbins Program Director Sheri Wammack, LBSW
