Communicating with the Doctor
Wednesday July 29, 2026
As a caregiver there are so many things that need to be communicated with your loved one’s physician. Oftentimes, it is not a good idea to address those things in front of your loved one. Imagine going to the doctor and your spouse or adult child accompanies you to the appointment. The physician comes in and starts the exam and asks about your diet. You reply, “Oh, I am eating healthy and exercising.” Then, your family member speaks up saying, “She ate a dozen chicken wings last night and washed it down with a couple of glasses of wine. She never exercises either.” How furious would you be? If it were me, I would be angry if my loved ones shared that with my physician.
This is often what happens when we take our loved one with memory impairment to the physician. Our loved one answers a question and we dispute that information and, basically, throw them under the bus in front of the physician. Or we make a phone call to the doctor’s office to report behavioral issues, all while our loved one is standing within ear shot.
Good communication with physicians is so important, especially if your loved one has memory impairment. Here are some tips to help with good communication with the physician.
- Utilize the patient portal – Many physician’s offices now have patient portals you can use for appointment requests and messaging with the care team. This is a great way to report changes in symptoms, progression of disease and any other concerns you may have. Using this method often helps with faster communication than leaving a phone message.
- Write the physician a note – If you are like many of us, we have the intention to get into an appointment and ask certain questions, but when we get there we often forget all the things we meant to ask. By writing a note, you can list your questions/concerns for the physician to read so you don’t forget to bring those up. This is also a great place to explain about changes you are seeing with your loved one, such as your loved one’s ability to drive, or that they are no longer bathing, or that their anxiety has increased. Writing this information down keeps it so that you don’t have to “bad mouth” your loved one in front of them during the appointment. I would stay away from writing a long dissertation. Just a note with some bullet points can be helpful.
- Use the nurses’ phone line – When there is a more immediate issue/concern, you can use the nurses’ line at the physician’s office rather than necessarily waiting for an appointment. This can be helpful if you are needing to ask for a refill on medication or an increase in a dosage. Some of those things can be handled with a simple phone call to the nurse’s line rather than waiting for an appointment.
- Don’t wait too late – If your loved one is having something going on that is a concern – a medication reaction, a new, concerning behavior or any new symptoms – you don’t have to wait until your next scheduled appointment. It can be a good idea to call the office and request an earlier appointment. Or at least communicate with the physician/nurse via portal/phone call rather than waiting weeks for an available appointment.
- Be descriptive – When telling the care team about what is going on with your loved one don’t just say things like, “He is having a reaction to those meds” or “He is anxious.” Instead paint a concise picture like, “Since he has been on that new medication, he is now sleeping less than two hours per night and his appetite has greatly decreased” or “His anxiety has increased and now he is regularly pacing the floors and raising his voice at me.” These descriptions paint a much clearer picture than the words “bad reaction” or “anxious.”
- Don’t sugar coat it – We often feel like we want to “protect” our loved one’s dignity, so we may sugar coat how things are really going. This does not do your loved one any good. The physician can only treat issues and concerns if he/she is aware of those issues. For example, if your loved one still has a couple of glasses of wine at night, it is important that the physician know that as certain medications may be affected by the wine. Covering for your loved one’s level of impairment also limits the physician’s ability to address concerns.
The main thing to keep in mind with communicating with your loved one’s physician is to be honest and try to protect your loved one’s dignity while in front of them.
Written by Page Robbins Program Director Sheri Wammack, LBSW
